


The closest thing to a dead man

by MagicMiss



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: :(, Angst, F/M, Jean and Mikasa are a thing, Jean’s PoV, Mikasa is sad, it might be set before the chapters 80 and such or in the recents one, no exact date, sad stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-05
Updated: 2019-05-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:09:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MagicMiss/pseuds/MagicMiss
Summary: I was the first to realize I was going to die.OrA dying man last rant.





	The closest thing to a dead man

Oh boy. Where to start ? Well. I love life. That’s all, I guess. I’m not a good storyteller, my skills are more into killing titans and people. Although, my friends see me as someone educated, who know how to speaks eloquently and how to write beautiful speech and all that stuff. It’s only that I am better than them at that, they’re just worse than me. 

It’s sad, but true. Armin try too hard, he can’t explain and exprim correctly his thoughts even though he’s a crackhead genius. Connie is plain stupid, but he’s strong willed and brave ! He’s my best friend and I will always love that man. Captain Levi is anti social, if he can dodge a conversation, believe me, he will. Hange is too crazy, she can’t focus more than 5 minutes on a single subject without diverging about something else and ends up lost. She’s a brain, a thinker, not a leader nor a commander. Don’t even get me started about Eren ! He do nothing but scream, he scares people and higher up, but, he do inspire people by his actions. Tragic that his actions only brings deaths, destructions and tears. And, oh my, Mikasa. She’s perfect. I  _ love _ her. But she can’t speak. She can’t inspire people, she can’t make them believe into something stupid... She can’t lie. 

 

That’s why, none of them could manage to make me believe everything was going to be okay, that I wasn’t going to die. 

 

I’m laying down on a roof, the sun is blinding me, or is it my tears ? I can’t feel my leg anymore, nor my arms. Do I still have them ? The pain is everywhere. Everything hurts. I only feels he hands over my chest, trying to force my heart into functioning again. 

 

It works. But for how long ? 

 

“Jean !! Stay with me, please !” Beg Mikasa. I think her voice is cracking down, I hear her tears, I hear her sorrows and sadness. Hearing is all that I have left. I can’t see, I can merely speak… But I can hear and feel. I hear their screams and their voices are like a sad and distorted music to me. It makes me want to cry. Maybe I was already crying. 

 

“Mikasa, don’t stop !” Connie. That’s my man ! “Jean, you’re gonna be alright ! I promise.”

 

I said the same to my mother the day I enlisted into the army. She wanted me to become a man, to find a wife, to have kids, to become someone respectable… To live. She wanted me to live… Sorry ma, Jeanbo isn’t going to make it alive today. 

 

“What’s happening here !? What the fuck ? Is that Jean ?” Yes, Captain. It is me. 

 

I’m pretty sure I’m the closest thing to a dead man on earth right now. I’m bleeding out of everywhere, I probably lost all my members, my vision is so blurry I can’t even see the sky above me and my mouth is burning, surely crushed to pieces when I fall. 

 

I would give anything to start over… To start  _ everything _ over. 

 

First of all, I won’t enlist into the army. Or maybe I will. Just for Mikasa. I need her as I need air. But I would confess to her way earlier, to not waste any minutes. And I will go to the Brigade and have a good and secure life. Call me a coward if you want, but I dare you to look at me, a man who’s dying in front of everybody he ever cared about and loved for nothing. My death isn’t going to help them ! My death isn’t going to prove anything to anyone ! I’m just dying. My cadaver won’t even make it home, they can’t take it back. I’m just gonna lay down here forever once it’s officially over and the earth is gonna take back what god gave me. 

 

You may said I died for the right cause. For humanity ! But you know what ? Fuck humanity. 

 

I don’t deserve that. Nobody does. Death isn’t glorious. Once I’m dead, it’s over. I won’t even  _ feel _ again. I won’t feel her hands over my warm body, I won’t ever see her, smile at her, take her hands and hold her in my arms ! The sun is never going to shine on me, his warmth isn’t for me anymore. I’m just going to die, miserably, bitter and full of regret. 

 

“Kirschtein, everything is going to be alright.” It’s Levi again. He’s not a good liar. His voice is low, cracking up too. He’s trying his best though. “You hear me ?”

 

It’s all I can do, sir. 

 

“Jean, please…” She’s not so emotional usually. I feel bad, because I know I can’t survive. She’s gonna feel guilty, she’s gonna hate herself. I love her so much… I want to cry so badly. If only I could take her in my arms one last time and to whisper to her ear that I love her. I need to say it. I know she knows, but I need to say it anyways. 

 

“You’re holding up well, Jean ! Keep going. The help is coming.” Hange is lying. Nobody is coming. Were in the middle of nowhere. 

 

I hear them cry above me, I hear their breaths, their lips moving and whispering softly prayers. Does I have the right to go to heaven ? I killed people. I’m a killer.

 

Connie is screaming, away from me but I can still hear. He’s shouting nonsense, just long scream, to let out his frustration and anger. He just understood it’s too late for my poor ass. He will have to break the new to Sasha. She is my best friend. She’s safe, somewhere else. She’s gonna cry. I know her, she’s sensitive. I need her to know I love her. 

 

Hell, I need all of them, all of my friends, my family, my single mother who fought nails and teeths to raise me, her only son, to know I love them. 

 

I hope they know… 

 

Someone is trying to stop Mikasa from continuing her cardiac massage. She’s fighting to keep going. She won’t let me go. I understand, I would do the same for her. She cry harder. I hear her fighting with someone else. Probably Eren. He’s here, I hear his damned voice. I never liked that bastard, but he’s a good brother and friend for her. He wants her to be happy. She won’t, if she’s clinging to my cadaver, trying in vain to smack away Death. 

 

“Let me- Don’t touch me ! He can be saved ! I can save him ! He’s alive ! Please !”

 

She’s menacing them. Oh boy. What would I give to be there, to watch this. She’s so strong ! She’s so fucking strong… When did she looked down and saw me ? I always loved her, I was always watching her from the ground, as she was raising to the top ! She’s the strongest, the most beautiful the most incredible and interesting person I’ve ever met. I was nothing compared to her. I still am nothing. And this statement is going to be truest as ever. My perfect goddess, you were a part of me for so long, and I feel so unfinished and incomplete without you. But, I’m going to die. It won’t matter anymore. I won’t remember your beautiful smile, nor your face, nor your body, nor you skin. How does it feel touching you ? What do you smell like ? I won’t remember it for much longer. 

 

“I’m…” Is that the bastard ? ”... so sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” 

 

Yeah no shit… He was the one always trying to get on the front line, always saying he was the best, the one who was going to slay all the enemies, all the Titans… My ass. He just slayed all my patience. 

 

“Jean… I should’ve saved you. I’m so sorry.” Armin. He was there. I thought he was with Sasha. He’s not a fighter, let’s be real. He’s crying, it’s obvious. He can’t hide it. Or at least, not from me. 

 

Right now, I know everything. And you cannot prove a dead man wrong ! What’s in Eren’s basement ? Shit. Nothing worth dying for. That’s what. 

 

“You were a good soldier, Jean. You did good.” The Captain….

 

They’re all making their farewell. They understood, finally, that I was dying, that it was over. Oh god. My dear Mikasa. She must be crying her feels out. 

 

I need… I need to say it… I’m feeling it, the time is over, for good. Nothing is making my heart beat anymore, maybe except fear, nothing is making me breath… More blood run away from me that I can produce. I’m so exhausted… 

 

I’m trying hard to say her name one last time, but it looks like a bloodish and painful, it is, growl. I put all the energy left in it. I try to remember all the time i said, whispered, screamed her name !  I try to put all my love and passion in one single  _ Mikasa _ , just to let her know, that I love her. I want her name to be my last word, my last breath, my last battle… 

 

I think I succeed. 

 

She grabs me. Her fingers are warm, I can feel her hands on my cold skin. 

 

“Jean, I’m here. I’ll always be there for you. I won’t ever forget you…”

 

Oh... I know… You’ll make yourself sick, you’ll never forgive yourself… I am already hating it…. I love you way too much to know you still love me. Why do I wish you never loved me back now ? What kind of sick irony is that ? For all those years when I prayed anything and any god for you to love me, now I would pray these same persons for you to stay happy… 

 

“I’m... sorry…” Is all I can say before I bow the knee before Death.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Don’t hesitate to leave a kudo or to comment ! :)


End file.
